The Downside to Becoming Sober

An Insider's Perspective

Rehabitus: Personal Growth in Life After Addiction

Statistically, it’s likely you know or care for someone with an unhealthy relationship with a harmful substance.

You may love them dearly but wonder why they return to the very thing that’s destroying them. Perhaps you’re by their side, supporting them through every attempt to quit, only to see them slip back again.

This article isn’t a guide on saving anyone from addiction. In fact, it’s almost the opposite: I’m here to explain their side of the story.

Here, I offer a first-hand perspective to help others understand the struggles of becoming sober from someone who’s walked that path.

Image credit to stockcake.com

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Sobriety Makes Perfect Sense (From the Outside)

For someone looking in, the choice to quit can seem painfully obvious. Sobriety brings many immediate rewards: healthier days, structured routines, healed relationships, improved finances, and far, far fewer regrets.

The visible downsides of substance use seem equally clear: the hangovers, comedowns, fallouts, deteriorating health, strained relationships, lost time and missed opportunities, which all leave a trail of damage.

The logical solution seems simple: give up the substance, patch things up, and land feet-first into a better life. And for some, it really is that straightforward. They let go, make a few changes, and the rewards roll in. Job done. Spontaneous remission unlocked.

But for others—especially those whose lives and identities are deeply enmeshed with substance use—the journey to sobriety isn’t the obvious solution it seems to be.

The reality is that for some, giving up substances might make life harder to face, not easier. Stepping out of that comforting numbness reveals unresolved pain, unmet needs and the unfulfilled potential that the addiction kept at bay. So the idea of becoming sober may feel punishing before it ever feels like freedom.

Substance Use Can Feel Like the Lesser of Two Evils

To understand the real struggle, it’s helpful to picture a more complete cost-benefit analysis of substance use vs. sobriety¹.

Contrasting the benefits of sobriety against the drawbacks of substance use is just the tip-of-the-iceberg stuff that misses the most crucial parts of the story.

Let’s get honest here, for someone in addiction, there are benefits to using substances and real hardships to facing a sober life. These parts beneath the obvious make all the difference. When you consider these motivations, you may start to see how returning to addiction might not make any rational sense but carries an emotional logic.

We know the pros of sobriety and the cons of using (green ticks). But what about the other quadrants—the pros of using and the cons of sobriety?

Substances offer a dependable escape. They provide a sense of control and relief to what feels unbearable, whether that’s a conscious struggle or a buried unseen pain. In this light, the benefits of using, no matter how temporary or disastrous, might seem far more appealing than a life that’s still unforgiving and unfulfilled. Sobriety, then, might feel like a gamble that doesn’t offer the same certainty as substance use, whereas at least the substance provides a familiar sense of reprieve.

The Real Costs of Sobriety

The irony of becoming sober is that while it’s a move away from addiction, it reveals the very issues that drove a person to addiction in the first place. Old pains are now exposed. Unmet needs start to show themselves in feelings of isolation, stress, inadequacy, anxiety, or purposelessness, with no quick fix in sight. Unprocessed trauma and unfulfilled dreams float to the surface, and that trusted mute button is out of grasp—taking away the only glimmer of control they once had.

Without substances, the harsh realities of life come flooding back, leaving them grappling with emotions they might have never learned to manage sober.

“If this is what sobriety is about, I’d rather be pissed.”

— Me, on a prior recovery attempt.

The White-Knuckle Ride

In the early stages, sobriety might feel harder than addiction. The substance is gone but you don’t feel any freer, and historically, that ‘freedom’, is one drink or pipe away. This new life of clinging onto relapse prevention can feel worse than the actual struggle of addiction itself. If anything, some people are simply made painfully aware of how much they’re having to resist… every day… and counting.

Social Identity and Connection

“They’re sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it’s better than drinking alone.”

— Billy Joel

Addiction sometimes comes with a built-in eco-system—a community bound by shared rituals, camaraderie, familiar spaces, acceptance, and a sense of belonging. For some, this kinship is the only type of bonding they know, and it makes life feel a little more tolerable.

Take the substance use away, and that identity disintegrates. Suddenly they’re strangers in their own life; aliens in their own skin. They may hope to stay connected to their community, hoping sobriety won’t separate them from the people they call friends. But returning to their old crowd without the substances only highlights the sense of isolation. Before long, the pull of using can feel stronger than the promises of sobriety that are still yet to be seen.

Making new, real friends in the middle of life isn’t easy, especially nowadays. Sobriety might feel lonelier than addiction ever did. Hanging around with other newly sober people simply because they’re sober might feel emptier than hanging around with drunk people because they drink. Without substantial common ground and true connection, building relationships can feel like yet another uphill struggle.

Understanding Addiction As A Survival Mechanism

Seeing a loved one relapse can be frustrating and disheartening, especially when the consequences are clear to everyone.

But it’s not that they don’t see the perils. They go back because the known relief of using feels safer than the unknown territory of sobriety. Sobriety exposes a void, and addiction numbs it, however destructively and inauthentically.

If you are supporting someone with addiction, know that the journey out isn’t as simple as choosing logic over chaos. What might look like a return to reckless self-destruction may be their most familiar way to try to stay afloat.

Lasting Sobriety Lies On the Other Side of the Work

Sobriety is not an instant cure or a fast track to happiness. Its true potential lies in what it gradually offers— self-discovery and healing. It doesn’t give you the keys to freedom overnight but offers the opportunity and the tools to construct it yourself over time. Sobriety asks for resilience, courage and patience to face what’s been buried. And in reconciling old pain, meeting unmet needs, and developing self-management skills, the pull of substances loses its power, until it eventually shrinks into irrelevance.

As someone who has walked this path, I can say this: the downside of sobriety is not knowing who you are without the crutch.

The upside is that you get to find out.

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Catch up on previous articles here:

• My Life in Addiction vs Sobriety

• I Wouldn't Change My Past

• Shrink Addiction into Irrelevance

• The Bigger Picture of Personal Growth in Life After Addiction

• I Could Relapse

• The Power I Found in Losing Everything

• Choices Are the Currency of Agency

• Omnia Vincit Amor

1. SMART Recovery Cost Benefit Analysis: https://smartrecovery.org/cost-benefit-analysis