Rehabitus: Personal Growth in Life After Addiction.
1300 words. 5-minute read.
In my previous article Choices Are the Currency of Agency, I highlighted the undeniable power of our choices:
Choices make us, and they are our ultimate power. At any given time, a choice will point us in a direction. Choices can shape the light or the shadow of our lives.
The wisdom, and the understanding of consequence behind your choices, determine whether they lead to growth, healing, and freedom… or their opposites.
But how do we know in which direction to go? The answer is simple: towards meeting your needs. More specifically, towards your unmet needs.
In this article, I’ll explain why, once sober, your focus must shift to meeting your underlying needs to live a fulfilling life. By doing so, you may not only heal but also find addiction becoming less relevant to you over time. One day, perhaps you’ll be able to declare that your relationship with addiction is nothing but history.
The Wrong Question
I never could have imagined it would get worse, but it did. My chaotic drinking took me far and wide, across counties and institutions. I went on to be medically detoxified in hospitals (plural), a detox centre, and prisons (plural). I couldn't tell you the chronology of those events. All I know is during 2019-2022, I was a fucking human car crash. Maybe I always had been.
(Draft excerpt, Me.)
The truth is, I knew every logical reason to quit drinking. I knew the consequences of drinking as if they were tattooed into my brain. I could list them endlessly, rattling off the damage they caused from destroyed relationships right down to the molecular basis of liver disease.
But knowing why I should not drink wasn’t good enough. Knowing all the reasons to stop didn’t scratch the surface of the real issue. It was, in fact, the wrong question to be asking.
The real question was this: why was I drinking in the first place? Or more broadly: What keeps an addict in addiction despite knowing the disastrous consequences?
I’m going to ask you to hear me out. Suspend any belief in the disease model of addiction for a few minutes. Suspend the notion that addiction is a primary driving force. Because understanding the following paradigm keeps me sane and well, and I hope it’s useful to you too.
At its core, “The Problem” isn’t the substance itself. In my case, alcohol wasn’t the real villain. Alcohol becomes a problem—it’s a toxic neurological depressant, so of course it causes harm. But substance use is secondary to something much more insidious: the suffering caused by unmet needs.
Defining Needs as Your Blueprint of Well-Being
What are these needs?
Humans are wired to have needs, and we are driven to meet them. At the basic level, like any animal, we have physiological needs—food, water, and shelter. These needs exist for a reason—they’re essential to our survival.
But humans are more than just biological machines ticking off survival tasks. We are complex, intelligent, social creatures, and we crave higher needs.
Higher needs aren’t just some abstract desires or luxuries. They are crucial to the whole human experience. The needs I’m referring to are widely known and accepted across many schools of thought. Whether you look through the lens of humanist psychology, spiritualism, or even ancient philosophy, these needs are universally agreed as the foundation of our well-being.
Consider them the building blocks of a fulfilled life.
Physiological: nourishment, water, sleep, shelter, air, exercise, vitality.
Safety: physical safety, financial security, health, stability, predictability.
Love: affection, intimacy, bonding, healthy relationships.
Belonging: community, connection, inclusion, social identity, tribe, recognition, camaraderie.
Autonomy: freedom, independence, personal sovereignty, self-direction, liberty, agency, choice.
Self-worth: value, esteem, self-respect, competence, confidence, dignity.
Purpose: meaning, direction, contribution, mission, goals.
Growth: learning, self-improvement, achievement, self-actualisation.
Creativity: expression, innovation, problem-solving, artistry.
Play: joy, fun, recreation, leisure, spontaneity.
Peace: inner calm, tranquillity, balance, harmony, oneness.
Feel free to consider additional ideas, because ultimately, your needs are personal to you. Only you can do the work of meeting them. But therapy is a powerful tool to help you untangle what those needs are and how to address them.
These kinds of needs drive human behaviour. When they are unmet, we suffer. When they are fulfilled, we thrive.
Unmet Needs are a Source of Suffering
When needs go unmet—whether it’s love, belonging, self-worth, or purpose—we experience distress, anxiety or emptiness. We suffer. When we suffer, we instinctively look for ways to escape that pain. If we cannot authentically meet the need, we may still find an unhealthy way to escape, even for only a short while, and even if the relief comes with negative consequences.
Maybe it’s alcohol, obsessive exercise, work or serial relationships. Maybe it’s binge-ing on anything. These become substitutes. These substitutes are an attempt to fill the gap but only distract you from the real fulfilment that comes from authentically meeting your underlying needs.
Substitutes fail because they don’t resolve the root cause of the suffering. They only push it to one side, letting it fester, and introduce their own consequences—compulsive use, craving, and damage—the hallmark characteristics of what we know as ‘addiction’.
And while substitute behaviours can ruin your life over time, they are still secondary problems. The real issue is deeper. The real issue is the unmet need beneath the surface, crying out to be acknowledged and addressed.
Addiction as a Substitute Behaviour
The issue now is that you’ve discovered a way to alleviate the suffering with a temporary substitute state or activity, but without actually meeting the need. They offer a fleeting escape from the discomfort but don’t solve the underlying issue and once the temporary relief fades, the pain resurfaces, and it’s more demanding than before. Because the long-term authentic solution isn’t found, the substitutes can never satisfy what’s missing.
The substitute behaviour is like attempting to stitch together an infected wound, and the unmet need is the infection that never allows the wound to heal. Until you meet that need with an authentic solution, the substitute will never work.
Failing to understand your needs means the suffering will persist. You can’t fix what you don’t recognise.
Find What Is Missing And Seek the Right Support
Start by asking yourself what’s missing, and if it’s hard to pinpoint, then therapy and support groups can offer guidance and belonging. Explore different approaches until one or two resonate with you. Asking for help is a sign of strength and a crucial step towards real change.
As you begin to address your unmet needs, you’ll begin to understand what was driving the suffering. The more you meet those needs, the less addiction has over you.
Sobriety is Building a New Life Around Your Needs
Sobriety is well-being. It doesn’t leave an empty void—it creates space for the things you truly need. Taking alcohol out of my life was a monumental achievement, but it was only the beginning. The real work lay in understanding why I felt I needed it in the first place.
For me, now, sobriety isn’t a battle against addiction. My energy isn’t spent on avoiding relapse. I’m free to move forward, unburdened. I don’t define myself by what I’ve given up, but by what I’ve gained—connection, purpose, autonomy, and self-worth. These needs are being met, and fill the space addiction once claimed.
When we meet our needs, fully and authentically, addiction begins to shrink. The chaos that once defined my life has lost all its power. Looking back, addiction feels like a shadow that grows smaller with each step I take in the right direction. The needs that once went unmet are now being fulfilled. There will always be work to do, but it’s only in one direction—towards authentically meeting my needs.
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This post was so amazing and perfect timing for me. Thank you. ☺️
Awesome post, Adam. This one really resonated with me.
I spent years trying to kick various damaging habits (including substance abuse) by scaring myself with the consequences. As you say, it seems logical to just... not engage in behaviours that are so harmful.
It wasn’t until I asked what those habits were doing FOR me (acting as substitutes for unmet needs) that I was able to make a lasting shift away from them.