Shrink Addiction Into Irrelevance
By Choosing to Meet Your Underlying Needs
Rehabitus: Personal Growth in Life After Addiction.
5-minute read.
In my previous article Choices Are the Currency of Agency, I highlighted the undeniable power of our choices:
Choices make us. They are our ultimate power. At any given moment, a choice will point us in a direction.
The wisdom, and the understanding of consequence behind your choices, determines whether they point toward growth, healing, and freedom… or their opposites.
But how do we know which direction to take? My answer is this: towards meeting your needs. More specifically, towards meeting your unmet needs.
In this article, I’ll explain why, once sober, your focus must shift to meeting your underlying needs that fuel a fulfilling life. By doing so, you may not only heal but also find addiction becoming less relevant to you over time. One day, perhaps you’ll be able to declare that your relationship with addiction is nothing but history.
The Wrong Question
I never could have imagined it would get worse, but it did. My chaotic drinking took me far and wide, across counties and institutions. I went on to be medically detoxified in hospitals (plural), a detox centre, and prisons (plural). I couldn't tell you the chronology of those events. All I know is that I was a walking car crash of a human, destroying everything in my path.
(Draft excerpt, Me.)
The truth is, I knew every logical reason to quit drinking. I could reel off encyclopaedic facts about the damage ethanol causes, right the way down to its chemical mechanisms.
But knowing why I should not drink wasn’t good enough. Knowing all the reasons to stop didn’t scratch the surface of the real issue. It was, in fact, the wrong question to be asking.
The real question was this: Why was I drinking in the first place? Or more broadly: What keeps an addict in addiction despite knowing the disastrous consequences?
At its core, “The Problem” isn’t the substance use itself. In my case, alcohol wasn’t the real villain. Alcohol becomes a problem—it’s an addictive neurotoxin, so of course it will create harm. But sustained substance use is secondary to something deeper and far more insidious: the suffering caused by unmet needs.
Defining Needs as Your Blueprint for Well-Being
What are these needs?
Humans are wired to have needs, and we are driven to meet them. At the most basic level, like any animal, we have physiological needs—food, water, and shelter. These non-negotiable needs exist for a reason—they’re essential to our survival.
But humans are not just survival machines. We are complex, intelligent, social creatures, and beyond survival, we crave higher needs.
Higher needs aren’t just some abstract desires or luxuries. They are crucial to the whole human experience. The needs I’m suggesting are widely known and accepted across many schools of thought. Whether you look through the lens of humanist psychology, spiritualism, or even ancient philosophy, these kinds of needs are universally agreed as foundational to our well-being. Take a look at some examples below, and consider them as building blocks of a fulfilled life.
Physiological: nourishment, water, sleep, shelter, air, movement, vitality.
Safety: physical safety, resource security, stability, predictability.
Love: affection, intimacy, bonding, healthy relationships.
Belonging: community, connection, inclusion, social identity, tribe, recognition, camaraderie.
Autonomy: freedom, independence, personal sovereignty, self-direction, liberty, agency, choice.
Self-worth: value, esteem, self-respect, competence, confidence.
Purpose: meaning, direction, contribution, mission, goals.
Growth: learning, self-improvement, achievement, self-actualisation.
Creativity: expression, innovation, problem-solving, artistry.
Play: fun, recreation, leisure, spontaneity.
Peace: inner calm, balance, harmony, oneness with nature.
No generic list can ever summarise all of your needs, because they are personal to you. No one else can authentically meet them on your behalf either, but therapy or support can help you untangle what’s missing and how to address it.
When needs go unmet, we suffer. When they are fulfilled, we thrive.
Unmet Needs are a Source of Suffering
When needs go unmet—whether it’s love, belonging, self-worth, or purpose—we experience distress, anxiety or emptiness. We suffer. When we suffer, we instinctively look for ways to escape that pain.
If we cannot authentically meet the need, we may reach for an unhealthy way to escape, even for only a short while, and even if the relief comes with negative consequences.
Maybe it’s alcohol, obsessive exercise, work or serial relationships. Maybe it’s bingeing on anything. These become substitutes. These substitutes are an attempt to fill the gap but only distract you from the real fulfilment that comes from authentically meeting your underlying needs.
Substitutes fail because they don’t resolve the root cause of the suffering. They only push it to one side, letting it fester, and introduce their own consequences—compulsive use, craving, and negative consequences—the hallmark characteristics of what we call ‘addiction’. So now there are two problems: the original pain and the consequences of the substitute.
And while substitute behaviours can ruin your life over time, they are still secondary problems. The real issue is the unmet need beneath the surface, crying out to be seen and healed.
Addiction as a Substitute Behaviour
The issue now is that you’ve discovered a way to alleviate the suffering with a temporary substitute state or activity, but without actually meeting the need. They offer a fleeting escape from the discomfort but don’t solve the underlying issue and once the temporary relief fades, the pain resurfaces, and it’s more demanding than before. Because the long-term authentic solution isn’t found, the substitutes can never satisfy what’s missing.
The substitute behaviour is like attempting to stitch together an inflamed wound, and the unmet need is the infection that never allows it to heal. Until you meet that need with an authentic solution, the substitute will never work.
Understanding this is crucial, because failing to address your needs means the suffering—and the addiction— will persist.
Find What Is Missing And Seek the Right Support
Start by asking yourself what’s missing.
If it’s hard to pinpoint, then therapy and support groups can offer guidance, connection and clarity. Explore different approaches until one or two resonate with you. Asking for help is a sign of strength and a crucial step towards real change.
As you begin to address your unmet needs, the reasons you sought escape will become clearer. The more you meet those needs, the less power addiction has over you.
Sobriety is Building a New Life Around Your Needs
Taking alcohol out of my life was a monumental achievement, but it was only the beginning. The real work lay in understanding why I felt I needed it in the first place—in what was missing, and how I could meet those needs in healthier, more authentic ways.
For me, now, sobriety isn’t a battle against addiction. My energy isn’t spent on avoiding relapse. I’m unburdened from the trap of alcohol and free to move forward. I don’t define myself by what I’ve given up, but by what I’ve gained—in connection, purpose, autonomy, and self-worth. These kinds of needs are now the pillars of my life, and meeting them fills the space addiction once occupied.
When we meet our needs, fully and authentically, addiction loses its pull. It shrinks further into irrelevance with each step in the right direction.
In this way, sobriety isn’t simply the absence of something you’ve given up. It is the presence of what you’ve always needed.
Thank You.
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This post was so amazing and perfect timing for me. Thank you. ☺️
That’s exactly it, alcohol IS a substitute behavior. Why I never saw this and why I never tried to “mend the wound” with something more authentic and healthy back when I was drinking, I wish I knew. But boy if this post doesn’t rip the gauze over alcohol and its corrosive effects— awesome read!