Awesome post, Adam. This one really resonated with me.
I spent years trying to kick various damaging habits (including substance abuse) by scaring myself with the consequences. As you say, it seems logical to just... not engage in behaviours that are so harmful.
It wasn’t until I asked what those habits were doing FOR me (acting as substitutes for unmet needs) that I was able to make a lasting shift away from them.
Hi Shane. Glad to hear you’ve done so well. It’s an important point— what is the substitute habit doing for me? What positives does it bring? And is there an authentic solution to this?
I’m grateful it resonated and thank you for your feedback.
Have you heard of Sven Erlandson? I’m reading his book “There’s a Hole in my Love Cup” and so much of what you said mirrors Sven’s approach to healing.
The discussion that behavior doesn’t change when we focus on behavior. Behavior changes as a result of recognizing what negative core belief we’re operating from, challenge that negative believe by removing the negative charge it has over us, and learning to fill our own love cup so we aren’t filling it with superficial, temporary highs.
Which, cognitively makes perfect sense! 🤣 And then in a practical way I’m like…👀 and I do this *how*?! For now I’ve decided the way to do this is making a different choice than I did before. “I feel xyz…instead of numbing it. Let’s sit with it for a minute and figure out what it’s telling me.”
I still don’t always know what I need, but I certainly know what I *don’t* need…and that’s a start? 🤷🏻♀️
Anyway! I loved this read. Your authenticity shone through every word.
Hi Marti. Thank you so much for joining and for recommending the book--I'll have a look as soon as I get the chance.
Core beliefs are massive, perhaps fundamental to our being. Perhaps we don't consciously know what our core beliefs are without deep exploration-- and yet they are the code running our life's software!
I think this taps into the realm of CBT where our thoughts and beliefs influence our actions, and in turn, our actions influence our thoughts and beliefs. As you mentioned, this is great to know from reading books, but in practice...? Where do we even begin? What does that look like? What you described is a powerful place to start--what you don't need. Sitting with it and giving it chance to reveal what's missing, or what's not no longer serving you, can open up that path forward.
As I say in the article, therapy goes a long way. Some argue it's essential. After all, if we already had the answers then we wouldn't find ourselves in these difficult places.
Thank you again for such a thoughtful response, and I'm so glad it resonated with you.
I feel like the modern world makes it so easy to cover up—but never directly address—our suffering, whatever the situation. Mindfully attending to our needs is such a great therapeutic approach!
Absolutely, Derek. And I think it requires going ‘back to the fundamentals’ instead of trying to create something new. Addressing those core needs can be incredibly grounding. Thank you for your insights, Derek.
Great post, Adam. I found that continuing to focus on why I shouldn't drink and why it was bad etc actually made things so much worse because I still couldn't stop, so my shame increased. It was so liberating to realise that I was using alcohol to meet SO many unmet needs, and to then start to find ways to meet those needs.
Thank you, Ellie. That’s a brilliant point. Focusing on why we shouldn’t drink only leads to confusion and self loathing. Whereas looking at how alcohol is somehow serving us can help uncover the unmet needs. Hey thank you for your feedback and sharing.
So well written. So thorough. And I just posted a quote this morning on unmet needs. I feel like we are on the same wavelength Adam. So glad to be walking this path with you!
This post was so amazing and perfect timing for me. Thank you. ☺️
Hey Kristen, love it when that happens.
Thank you for reading!
Awesome post, Adam. This one really resonated with me.
I spent years trying to kick various damaging habits (including substance abuse) by scaring myself with the consequences. As you say, it seems logical to just... not engage in behaviours that are so harmful.
It wasn’t until I asked what those habits were doing FOR me (acting as substitutes for unmet needs) that I was able to make a lasting shift away from them.
Hi Shane. Glad to hear you’ve done so well. It’s an important point— what is the substitute habit doing for me? What positives does it bring? And is there an authentic solution to this?
I’m grateful it resonated and thank you for your feedback.
Have you heard of Sven Erlandson? I’m reading his book “There’s a Hole in my Love Cup” and so much of what you said mirrors Sven’s approach to healing.
The discussion that behavior doesn’t change when we focus on behavior. Behavior changes as a result of recognizing what negative core belief we’re operating from, challenge that negative believe by removing the negative charge it has over us, and learning to fill our own love cup so we aren’t filling it with superficial, temporary highs.
Which, cognitively makes perfect sense! 🤣 And then in a practical way I’m like…👀 and I do this *how*?! For now I’ve decided the way to do this is making a different choice than I did before. “I feel xyz…instead of numbing it. Let’s sit with it for a minute and figure out what it’s telling me.”
I still don’t always know what I need, but I certainly know what I *don’t* need…and that’s a start? 🤷🏻♀️
Anyway! I loved this read. Your authenticity shone through every word.
Hi Marti. Thank you so much for joining and for recommending the book--I'll have a look as soon as I get the chance.
Core beliefs are massive, perhaps fundamental to our being. Perhaps we don't consciously know what our core beliefs are without deep exploration-- and yet they are the code running our life's software!
I think this taps into the realm of CBT where our thoughts and beliefs influence our actions, and in turn, our actions influence our thoughts and beliefs. As you mentioned, this is great to know from reading books, but in practice...? Where do we even begin? What does that look like? What you described is a powerful place to start--what you don't need. Sitting with it and giving it chance to reveal what's missing, or what's not no longer serving you, can open up that path forward.
As I say in the article, therapy goes a long way. Some argue it's essential. After all, if we already had the answers then we wouldn't find ourselves in these difficult places.
Thank you again for such a thoughtful response, and I'm so glad it resonated with you.
I feel like the modern world makes it so easy to cover up—but never directly address—our suffering, whatever the situation. Mindfully attending to our needs is such a great therapeutic approach!
Absolutely, Derek. And I think it requires going ‘back to the fundamentals’ instead of trying to create something new. Addressing those core needs can be incredibly grounding. Thank you for your insights, Derek.
Saving this to re read as needed. Almost 6 years sober and this is landing more than ever. Thank you for such a well written and succinct post.
Glad it’s helpful. Thank you, Trace.
Great post, Adam. I found that continuing to focus on why I shouldn't drink and why it was bad etc actually made things so much worse because I still couldn't stop, so my shame increased. It was so liberating to realise that I was using alcohol to meet SO many unmet needs, and to then start to find ways to meet those needs.
Thank you, Ellie. That’s a brilliant point. Focusing on why we shouldn’t drink only leads to confusion and self loathing. Whereas looking at how alcohol is somehow serving us can help uncover the unmet needs. Hey thank you for your feedback and sharing.
I knew, at the end of my drinking, that I wanted my life to mean something. I knew it never would if I didn’t stop.
You took your power back. Big respect, Tom.
So well written. So thorough. And I just posted a quote this morning on unmet needs. I feel like we are on the same wavelength Adam. So glad to be walking this path with you!
Honoured.
Absolutely honoured.
You too, Holly.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. Your advice to seek authentic fulfillment over temporary escapes is truly inspiring!
It’s essential. Thank you for reading, Maryann.
Wonderful! …… Reading those needs highlighted that I have a few unmet ones 👌
It’s your pick, Jonny. They’re not missing if you don’t need them! It’s just for illustration. Thank you for reading
Oh they’re needed most definitely 😊
Great discussion about own needs. I have a compass too, which is all about self-awareness in leadership!
Thanks for reading, Nia!