That’s exactly it, alcohol IS a substitute behavior. Why I never saw this and why I never tried to “mend the wound” with something more authentic and healthy back when I was drinking, I wish I knew. But boy if this post doesn’t rip the gauze over alcohol and its corrosive effects— awesome read!
This is something I’m only recently starting to really understand after 3 years of sobriety. Removing that addiction creates a massive void, which now needs to be filled. And so I filled it with unnecessary things to busy myself and distract myself, but ultimately weren’t what I needed. I’m determined now to undo any need for distraction and the killing of time by focusing my efforts on the things that actually matter. Thanks for the further clarity from your article.
Awesome post, Adam. This one really resonated with me.
I spent years trying to kick various damaging habits (including substance abuse) by scaring myself with the consequences. As you say, it seems logical to just... not engage in behaviours that are so harmful.
It wasn’t until I asked what those habits were doing FOR me (acting as substitutes for unmet needs) that I was able to make a lasting shift away from them.
Hi Shane. Glad to hear you’ve done so well. It’s an important point— what is the substitute habit doing for me? What positives does it bring? And is there an authentic solution to this?
I’m grateful it resonated and thank you for your feedback.
Have you heard of Sven Erlandson? I’m reading his book “There’s a Hole in my Love Cup” and so much of what you said mirrors Sven’s approach to healing.
The discussion that behavior doesn’t change when we focus on behavior. Behavior changes as a result of recognizing what negative core belief we’re operating from, challenge that negative believe by removing the negative charge it has over us, and learning to fill our own love cup so we aren’t filling it with superficial, temporary highs.
Which, cognitively makes perfect sense! 🤣 And then in a practical way I’m like…👀 and I do this *how*?! For now I’ve decided the way to do this is making a different choice than I did before. “I feel xyz…instead of numbing it. Let’s sit with it for a minute and figure out what it’s telling me.”
I still don’t always know what I need, but I certainly know what I *don’t* need…and that’s a start? 🤷🏻♀️
Anyway! I loved this read. Your authenticity shone through every word.
Hi Marti. Thank you so much for joining and for recommending the book--I'll have a look as soon as I get the chance.
Core beliefs are massive, perhaps fundamental to our being. Perhaps we don't consciously know what our core beliefs are without deep exploration-- and yet they are the code running our life's software!
I think this taps into the realm of CBT where our thoughts and beliefs influence our actions, and in turn, our actions influence our thoughts and beliefs. As you mentioned, this is great to know from reading books, but in practice...? Where do we even begin? What does that look like? What you described is a powerful place to start--what you don't need. Sitting with it and giving it chance to reveal what's missing, or what's not no longer serving you, can open up that path forward.
As I say in the article, therapy goes a long way. Some argue it's essential. After all, if we already had the answers then we wouldn't find ourselves in these difficult places.
Thank you again for such a thoughtful response, and I'm so glad it resonated with you.
Great post, Adam. I found that continuing to focus on why I shouldn't drink and why it was bad etc actually made things so much worse because I still couldn't stop, so my shame increased. It was so liberating to realise that I was using alcohol to meet SO many unmet needs, and to then start to find ways to meet those needs.
Thank you, Ellie. That’s a brilliant point. Focusing on why we shouldn’t drink only leads to confusion and self loathing. Whereas looking at how alcohol is somehow serving us can help uncover the unmet needs. Hey thank you for your feedback and sharing.
I agree that it's about building life around your actual needs. This is much the same approach outlined in Adi Jaffe's book *Unhooked* -- and, the same problem remains. For many people "start by asking yourself what’s missing" is a nice idea, but a non-starter in practice.
My own personal experience was that if I had known or been able to get to that answer, I wouldn't have gotten into an addictive corner in the first place—but I couldn't. What was missing was hidden, not just by addiction itself (which is part of the problem), but even prior to that.
I also agree that "If it’s hard to pinpoint, then therapy and support groups can offer guidance, connection and clarity," especially if the focus of those groups is on needs—and awareness.
However, I think the crucial missing piece— one of those "different approaches" you refer to—for many people is a strong relationship with intuition. That is, the self-awareness required to get the answer to that critical question of "what's missing"—or even to ask that question in the first place.
There's an important relationship between the shadow of addiction and the clarity of the intuitive mirror ⬇️
I take it all on board. You’re right. How can you start to look for something that you don’t know you’re missing? Otherwise you’d have it or be doing that already.
And yes, one route is to open the bank of knowledge that you know but don’t know how you know. But I feel one must learn through guided experimentation how to use and build trust with it.
👍🏻 that's my view as well — or, what I'd say is that one approach is to use pratical methods to build a stronger relationship with intuition, which will naturally lead in a positive direction (and away from negative feedback patterns like addiction).
Thank you Adam… I found your writing to be so easy to understand, covering a topic which can be presented as bit academic and challenging for many to digest. I am saving this to pass on to others at the right time.
This idea is basically for building the foundations of a fulfilling life. Addiction has no place in a fulfilled life. People can try to find this way, that way, and the other, trying their damned best to not relapse. But with a fulfilled life, the addiction, in whatever form it is, doesn’t have a seat at the table.
I think the hardest part is that overlap of when you’re figuring out the underlying issues and moving away from the addiction/distraction but still don’t feel whole enough to actually give it up. Any advice on that transition?
Tough to say right now. Working through a really hard breakup and have noticed myself overdoing it with the drinking. I guess whole would mean someone to share my life with but that seems too external
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time. Make sure you give yourself time to grieve the loss of your relationship.
It’s a good observation that you might be overdoing it with alcohol, maybe to anaesthetise this. But as painful as raw emotion might be, it needs tending to and processing. The only way out is through.
I think for me, when things seem too big, I try to focus on the very next thing I need to do, and only that thing.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and remember to talk to yourself as if you were your best friend.
As a coach and sober person, I spend and have spent countless hours in deep conversation with people across many lifestyles. What has become more and more clear to me is how the neatly experience of recovery maps onto most other traumas, at least the lower-case T versions. My experiences of working through chemical abuse are so often relevant to someone who has never done a single drug, but (say) knows the pain of physical abuse.
This, I never saw coming. My suffering has value outside the circles of recovery.
As I read this piece, Adam, I kept imagining how I could do a word search and edit–replace addiction with abuse as one example–and quickly shift the context of this piece in order serve a variety of forms of suffering. You're really identifying a template here. Well done.
I see sobriety and well-being as approximately the same thing, only sobriety nods to a history of addiction. All in all, they mark the same practices. So, like you, I believe the maps or the templates that guide towards wellbeing, from whatever the source of hurt, are transferable and complementary. Great points, Damon. I really appreciate your depth of feedback.
This post was so amazing and perfect timing for me. Thank you. ☺️
Hey Kristen, love it when that happens.
Thank you for reading!
That’s exactly it, alcohol IS a substitute behavior. Why I never saw this and why I never tried to “mend the wound” with something more authentic and healthy back when I was drinking, I wish I knew. But boy if this post doesn’t rip the gauze over alcohol and its corrosive effects— awesome read!
Thank you Michelle. Glad it resonated so much! And welcome on board—I’m honoured!
Absolutely, and thanks!
This is something I’m only recently starting to really understand after 3 years of sobriety. Removing that addiction creates a massive void, which now needs to be filled. And so I filled it with unnecessary things to busy myself and distract myself, but ultimately weren’t what I needed. I’m determined now to undo any need for distraction and the killing of time by focusing my efforts on the things that actually matter. Thanks for the further clarity from your article.
My pleasure. Keep on 👊
Saving this to re read as needed. Almost 6 years sober and this is landing more than ever. Thank you for such a well written and succinct post.
Glad it’s helpful. Thank you, Trace.
Awesome post, Adam. This one really resonated with me.
I spent years trying to kick various damaging habits (including substance abuse) by scaring myself with the consequences. As you say, it seems logical to just... not engage in behaviours that are so harmful.
It wasn’t until I asked what those habits were doing FOR me (acting as substitutes for unmet needs) that I was able to make a lasting shift away from them.
Hi Shane. Glad to hear you’ve done so well. It’s an important point— what is the substitute habit doing for me? What positives does it bring? And is there an authentic solution to this?
I’m grateful it resonated and thank you for your feedback.
Have you heard of Sven Erlandson? I’m reading his book “There’s a Hole in my Love Cup” and so much of what you said mirrors Sven’s approach to healing.
The discussion that behavior doesn’t change when we focus on behavior. Behavior changes as a result of recognizing what negative core belief we’re operating from, challenge that negative believe by removing the negative charge it has over us, and learning to fill our own love cup so we aren’t filling it with superficial, temporary highs.
Which, cognitively makes perfect sense! 🤣 And then in a practical way I’m like…👀 and I do this *how*?! For now I’ve decided the way to do this is making a different choice than I did before. “I feel xyz…instead of numbing it. Let’s sit with it for a minute and figure out what it’s telling me.”
I still don’t always know what I need, but I certainly know what I *don’t* need…and that’s a start? 🤷🏻♀️
Anyway! I loved this read. Your authenticity shone through every word.
Hi Marti. Thank you so much for joining and for recommending the book--I'll have a look as soon as I get the chance.
Core beliefs are massive, perhaps fundamental to our being. Perhaps we don't consciously know what our core beliefs are without deep exploration-- and yet they are the code running our life's software!
I think this taps into the realm of CBT where our thoughts and beliefs influence our actions, and in turn, our actions influence our thoughts and beliefs. As you mentioned, this is great to know from reading books, but in practice...? Where do we even begin? What does that look like? What you described is a powerful place to start--what you don't need. Sitting with it and giving it chance to reveal what's missing, or what's not no longer serving you, can open up that path forward.
As I say in the article, therapy goes a long way. Some argue it's essential. After all, if we already had the answers then we wouldn't find ourselves in these difficult places.
Thank you again for such a thoughtful response, and I'm so glad it resonated with you.
Great read! Thank you for sharing this. I've read a lot of sobriety content, and this is right up there as the best advice.
I’m honoured. Thank you, brother.
Great post, Adam. I found that continuing to focus on why I shouldn't drink and why it was bad etc actually made things so much worse because I still couldn't stop, so my shame increased. It was so liberating to realise that I was using alcohol to meet SO many unmet needs, and to then start to find ways to meet those needs.
Thank you, Ellie. That’s a brilliant point. Focusing on why we shouldn’t drink only leads to confusion and self loathing. Whereas looking at how alcohol is somehow serving us can help uncover the unmet needs. Hey thank you for your feedback and sharing.
Great piece
I agree that it's about building life around your actual needs. This is much the same approach outlined in Adi Jaffe's book *Unhooked* -- and, the same problem remains. For many people "start by asking yourself what’s missing" is a nice idea, but a non-starter in practice.
My own personal experience was that if I had known or been able to get to that answer, I wouldn't have gotten into an addictive corner in the first place—but I couldn't. What was missing was hidden, not just by addiction itself (which is part of the problem), but even prior to that.
I also agree that "If it’s hard to pinpoint, then therapy and support groups can offer guidance, connection and clarity," especially if the focus of those groups is on needs—and awareness.
However, I think the crucial missing piece— one of those "different approaches" you refer to—for many people is a strong relationship with intuition. That is, the self-awareness required to get the answer to that critical question of "what's missing"—or even to ask that question in the first place.
There's an important relationship between the shadow of addiction and the clarity of the intuitive mirror ⬇️
https://bowendwelle.substack.com/p/what-if-intuition-is-just-a-language
I take it all on board. You’re right. How can you start to look for something that you don’t know you’re missing? Otherwise you’d have it or be doing that already.
And yes, one route is to open the bank of knowledge that you know but don’t know how you know. But I feel one must learn through guided experimentation how to use and build trust with it.
Solid points, Bowen.
👍🏻 that's my view as well — or, what I'd say is that one approach is to use pratical methods to build a stronger relationship with intuition, which will naturally lead in a positive direction (and away from negative feedback patterns like addiction).
Brilliant 🙌
Thank you Louisa 👍
Thank you Adam… I found your writing to be so easy to understand, covering a topic which can be presented as bit academic and challenging for many to digest. I am saving this to pass on to others at the right time.
Thank you, Barry.
I’m glad that you’ve found it useful. If you like, feel free to take a look at my open archive for more.
Beautifully illustrated, with a different perspective on the importance of leading an authentic and fulfilled life.
An aspect which requires more thought, as this offers more understanding and explanation.
I appreciate how this may have such importance.
Including, how without this, it may lead to various other addictions.
Brilliant thoughts, thanks Adam.
This idea is basically for building the foundations of a fulfilling life. Addiction has no place in a fulfilled life. People can try to find this way, that way, and the other, trying their damned best to not relapse. But with a fulfilled life, the addiction, in whatever form it is, doesn’t have a seat at the table.
Thank you, I appreciate these words. It has really encouraged me to give my own life more thought.
I think the hardest part is that overlap of when you’re figuring out the underlying issues and moving away from the addiction/distraction but still don’t feel whole enough to actually give it up. Any advice on that transition?
Tough to say right now. Working through a really hard breakup and have noticed myself overdoing it with the drinking. I guess whole would mean someone to share my life with but that seems too external
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time. Make sure you give yourself time to grieve the loss of your relationship.
It’s a good observation that you might be overdoing it with alcohol, maybe to anaesthetise this. But as painful as raw emotion might be, it needs tending to and processing. The only way out is through.
I think for me, when things seem too big, I try to focus on the very next thing I need to do, and only that thing.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and remember to talk to yourself as if you were your best friend.
Hi Drew. That’s a deep question.
My response is a question: what does whole mean to you?
👏👏
🙏🙏
I enjoyed reading this, Adam. It brings a lot of value.
Thank you, Iain. I’m glad it resonated.
Best wishes.
As a coach and sober person, I spend and have spent countless hours in deep conversation with people across many lifestyles. What has become more and more clear to me is how the neatly experience of recovery maps onto most other traumas, at least the lower-case T versions. My experiences of working through chemical abuse are so often relevant to someone who has never done a single drug, but (say) knows the pain of physical abuse.
This, I never saw coming. My suffering has value outside the circles of recovery.
As I read this piece, Adam, I kept imagining how I could do a word search and edit–replace addiction with abuse as one example–and quickly shift the context of this piece in order serve a variety of forms of suffering. You're really identifying a template here. Well done.
I see sobriety and well-being as approximately the same thing, only sobriety nods to a history of addiction. All in all, they mark the same practices. So, like you, I believe the maps or the templates that guide towards wellbeing, from whatever the source of hurt, are transferable and complementary. Great points, Damon. I really appreciate your depth of feedback.