Thanks, Adam. Speaking as someone who had ugly relapses in '17 & '18, I applaud the "no permission" strategy to relapse. I pre-meditated relapse both times even though I didn't realize it until after the fact. The mental obsession and phenomenon of craving can be very tricky in my experience. Also, 5 years sober this time, and I still miss a glass of red wine with a meal on occasion too. The feeling passes fairly quickly these days at least.
Yeah it's alarming how, looking back, we realise that we orchestrated a relapse ourselves. I suppose that now unlocks some key awareness on the matter for future situations. I hear it talked about as a 'pre-lapse' and I'm on board with that, because when such sensations come about, I now have the awareness to think 'wait....I'm in a pre-lapse here' and work to meet the unmet need, or talk to an appropriate person, etc. Five years, that's amazing. And yeah urges come and go, and again it's that meta-cognition to think 'this too shall pass' which takes the power out of it. Thank you for your feedback!
Yeah I think knowing that I grant myself permission or not to do something that seems impulsive has spared me in other ways. Anger, shouting back, pressing send on a message, etc. It also brings attention to sleepwalking into something else.
It’s powerful isn’t it? Where else do we run permission on automatic where we could switch it to manual? Something to really ponder about. Thanks for your feedback, Stefano.
I love your acknowledgement of our sphere of agency and choice, Adam. Even beyond sobriety, feels like such a needed message these days.
I find there’s usually a simple choice at the heart of things: helpful or not helpful? skillful or unskillful? connecting or disconnecting? There will always be justifications for doing what’s unhelpful, unskillful, and harmful. Or, we can choose what we already know will help us live more beautifully.
Yours is a great point: these kind of simple binary nodes exist in all choices. Helpful or unhelpful, healthy or unhealthy, etc. like a micro checklist that we can weigh our behaviours against. And another profound point—we already know the right answer from experience and innate wisdom. We inherently know what is harmful or helpful, but we sometimes bypass that intuition to pursue a want at the expense of a deeper need. Thank you, Dana.
I enjoyed reading that Adam. I have recently just made a move to full independence. I now only have one blocker which takes away any of those ingredients to make the fire so to so to speak. That is my choice. I can see any temptation to revert to old ways is a short sighted part of me that says it will be good now. The overiding part of me looks at the 2 weeks, the 2 months down the line.
Hi James. I’m glad you enjoyed the read. I’m also very happy you’ve moved on into full independence. What a milestone. Big respect, James, and keep me posted.
Thanks for sharing this! I find it fascinating in that I approach my sobriety from a completely different lens (the idea of permission has never crossed my mind really), but we've ended up at similar spots. I think for me it's more of a complete loss of appeal, and as every day passes being more and more aware of what I'd potentially lose if I went back to drinking. But hey whatever works! Thanks for sharing your approach in such detail, I especially enjoyed the callout to SMART (I've heard it recommended multiple times now).
I hold sacred what I’ve worked for and what there is to lose. I have zero attraction towards alcohol. I love sobriety.
This permission step goes deeper into if there’s nothing left to lose. Say something catastrophic has happened. When that which you’ve worked for has been taken away, you still have that inner power left within to deny permission to old ways.
Well said, Adam. Funny enough, in a completely different space last night, I told someone the very same thing. I am never giving myself permission to cause this havoc again. As you said, if I did grant permission, all paths disappear but one. And I do not ever want to be on that path again.
This was a good read for me. I went to rehab last January for alcohol and while I’ve cut back a bunch I’m still not completely sober. My biggest challenge right now is physical pain and managing my brain without meds.
I’m getting there step by step but it’s a hourly challenge. I’ve tried doing the “non-negotiable” thing and that hasn’t worked for me. I also personally despise AA meetings (I loved that you referenced SMART and I also like dharma recovery groups) and there’s not much wake in my area that’s in person so I take refuge in quit lit and blogs like yours so thank you.
Hi Bekah. Thank you for reading and subscribing. It's an honour to be able to add to your sobriety-promoting toolkit, especially in a non-AA context. Like you, I didn't see much value in AA meetings beyond a sense of belonging they offered---a crucial shift in the 1930s zeitgeist, no doubt. But we've since evolved our knowledge of addiction and mental health, and the world at large. I think SMART is still available online (I've done several in the past) but it might depend on your country/ area/ etc. They have some great theory to consider, even though it's not in person. But yeah there's a wealth of quit lit. With further exploration and practical application, I believe you'll make the shift to sobriety for good. But I understand where you're at. I know it's difficult. It's great to have you on board, Bekah.
Thank you so much for this — absolutely gorgeous. I have a phenomenal trauma history, and therefore a phenomenally addictive personality.
My drug of choice was sugar, and it has absolutely destroyed my digestive system. My last relapse has basically annihilated what was left of my ability to digest, and the suffering is ungodly. I think, however, that 10 weeks of unmitigated inability to digest has forced me to the absolute rock-bottom, and I cannot imagine ingesting sugar one more time, or abusing my body with pounds and pounds of fruit or sugar ever again.
I simply no longer have it in my physical capacity to give myself permission to perpetuate this self harm. My body just can’t take another beating. It has to be over. And so it is. No more permission. Hard no.
Thanks, Adam. Speaking as someone who had ugly relapses in '17 & '18, I applaud the "no permission" strategy to relapse. I pre-meditated relapse both times even though I didn't realize it until after the fact. The mental obsession and phenomenon of craving can be very tricky in my experience. Also, 5 years sober this time, and I still miss a glass of red wine with a meal on occasion too. The feeling passes fairly quickly these days at least.
Yeah it's alarming how, looking back, we realise that we orchestrated a relapse ourselves. I suppose that now unlocks some key awareness on the matter for future situations. I hear it talked about as a 'pre-lapse' and I'm on board with that, because when such sensations come about, I now have the awareness to think 'wait....I'm in a pre-lapse here' and work to meet the unmet need, or talk to an appropriate person, etc. Five years, that's amazing. And yeah urges come and go, and again it's that meta-cognition to think 'this too shall pass' which takes the power out of it. Thank you for your feedback!
Beautiful share. Love the 'hard no'. I think most of us need at least one of those.
Yeah I think knowing that I grant myself permission or not to do something that seems impulsive has spared me in other ways. Anger, shouting back, pressing send on a message, etc. It also brings attention to sleepwalking into something else.
Thanks, Maggie.
I love the “rock bottom superpower”. Thank you for this share. So powerful.
Hey thank you Kelly. It’s a feature of one of my previous articles “The Power I Found in Losing Everything”.
Thank you for your feedback!
I’ll check it out!
I'd never thought of it in this way before.
Permission is powerful.
I can see some ways I can use it in my life.
Thanks for the insight Adam!
It’s powerful isn’t it? Where else do we run permission on automatic where we could switch it to manual? Something to really ponder about. Thanks for your feedback, Stefano.
I love your acknowledgement of our sphere of agency and choice, Adam. Even beyond sobriety, feels like such a needed message these days.
I find there’s usually a simple choice at the heart of things: helpful or not helpful? skillful or unskillful? connecting or disconnecting? There will always be justifications for doing what’s unhelpful, unskillful, and harmful. Or, we can choose what we already know will help us live more beautifully.
Yours is a great point: these kind of simple binary nodes exist in all choices. Helpful or unhelpful, healthy or unhealthy, etc. like a micro checklist that we can weigh our behaviours against. And another profound point—we already know the right answer from experience and innate wisdom. We inherently know what is harmful or helpful, but we sometimes bypass that intuition to pursue a want at the expense of a deeper need. Thank you, Dana.
I enjoyed reading that Adam. I have recently just made a move to full independence. I now only have one blocker which takes away any of those ingredients to make the fire so to so to speak. That is my choice. I can see any temptation to revert to old ways is a short sighted part of me that says it will be good now. The overiding part of me looks at the 2 weeks, the 2 months down the line.
Hi James. I’m glad you enjoyed the read. I’m also very happy you’ve moved on into full independence. What a milestone. Big respect, James, and keep me posted.
Excellent work and so true. 💪🏼
Thank you, Lady!
Thanks for sharing this! I find it fascinating in that I approach my sobriety from a completely different lens (the idea of permission has never crossed my mind really), but we've ended up at similar spots. I think for me it's more of a complete loss of appeal, and as every day passes being more and more aware of what I'd potentially lose if I went back to drinking. But hey whatever works! Thanks for sharing your approach in such detail, I especially enjoyed the callout to SMART (I've heard it recommended multiple times now).
Hi Patrick. Yes entirely agree.
I hold sacred what I’ve worked for and what there is to lose. I have zero attraction towards alcohol. I love sobriety.
This permission step goes deeper into if there’s nothing left to lose. Say something catastrophic has happened. When that which you’ve worked for has been taken away, you still have that inner power left within to deny permission to old ways.
I like it. Defense in depth, if you will.
Well said, Adam. Funny enough, in a completely different space last night, I told someone the very same thing. I am never giving myself permission to cause this havoc again. As you said, if I did grant permission, all paths disappear but one. And I do not ever want to be on that path again.
It’s funny how things like that happen and I’m glad we’re on the same page!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Nate.
This was a good read for me. I went to rehab last January for alcohol and while I’ve cut back a bunch I’m still not completely sober. My biggest challenge right now is physical pain and managing my brain without meds.
I’m getting there step by step but it’s a hourly challenge. I’ve tried doing the “non-negotiable” thing and that hasn’t worked for me. I also personally despise AA meetings (I loved that you referenced SMART and I also like dharma recovery groups) and there’s not much wake in my area that’s in person so I take refuge in quit lit and blogs like yours so thank you.
Hi Bekah. Thank you for reading and subscribing. It's an honour to be able to add to your sobriety-promoting toolkit, especially in a non-AA context. Like you, I didn't see much value in AA meetings beyond a sense of belonging they offered---a crucial shift in the 1930s zeitgeist, no doubt. But we've since evolved our knowledge of addiction and mental health, and the world at large. I think SMART is still available online (I've done several in the past) but it might depend on your country/ area/ etc. They have some great theory to consider, even though it's not in person. But yeah there's a wealth of quit lit. With further exploration and practical application, I believe you'll make the shift to sobriety for good. But I understand where you're at. I know it's difficult. It's great to have you on board, Bekah.
Pre-lapse is also a very helpful concept.
Thank you so much for this — absolutely gorgeous. I have a phenomenal trauma history, and therefore a phenomenally addictive personality.
My drug of choice was sugar, and it has absolutely destroyed my digestive system. My last relapse has basically annihilated what was left of my ability to digest, and the suffering is ungodly. I think, however, that 10 weeks of unmitigated inability to digest has forced me to the absolute rock-bottom, and I cannot imagine ingesting sugar one more time, or abusing my body with pounds and pounds of fruit or sugar ever again.
I simply no longer have it in my physical capacity to give myself permission to perpetuate this self harm. My body just can’t take another beating. It has to be over. And so it is. No more permission. Hard no.