Well said, Adam. Funny enough, in a completely different space last night, I told someone the very same thing. I am never giving myself permission to cause this havoc again. As you said, if I did grant permission, all paths disappear but one. And I do not ever want to be on that path again.
Thanks for sharing this! I find it fascinating in that I approach my sobriety from a completely different lens (the idea of permission has never crossed my mind really), but we've ended up at similar spots. I think for me it's more of a complete loss of appeal, and as every day passes being more and more aware of what I'd potentially lose if I went back to drinking. But hey whatever works! Thanks for sharing your approach in such detail, I especially enjoyed the callout to SMART (I've heard it recommended multiple times now).
I hold sacred what I’ve worked for and what there is to lose. I have zero attraction towards alcohol. I love sobriety.
This permission step goes deeper into if there’s nothing left to lose. Say something catastrophic has happened. When that which you’ve worked for has been taken away, you still have that inner power left within to deny permission to old ways.
Thanks, Adam. Speaking as someone who had ugly relapses in '17 & '18, I applaud the "no permission" strategy to relapse. I pre-meditated relapse both times even though I didn't realize it until after the fact. The mental obsession and phenomenon of craving can be very tricky in my experience. Also, 5 years sober this time, and I still miss a glass of red wine with a meal on occasion too. The feeling passes fairly quickly these days at least.
Yeah it's alarming how, looking back, we realise that we orchestrated a relapse ourselves. I suppose that now unlocks some key awareness on the matter for future situations. I hear it talked about as a 'pre-lapse' and I'm on board with that, because when such sensations come about, I now have the awareness to think 'wait....I'm in a pre-lapse here' and work to meet the unmet need, or talk to an appropriate person, etc. Five years, that's amazing. And yeah urges come and go, and again it's that meta-cognition to think 'this too shall pass' which takes the power out of it. Thank you for your feedback!
Yeah I think knowing that I grant myself permission or not to do something that seems impulsive has spared me in other ways. Anger, shouting back, pressing send on a message, etc. It also brings attention to sleepwalking into something else.
It’s powerful isn’t it? Where else do we run permission on automatic where we could switch it to manual? Something to really ponder about. Thanks for your feedback, Stefano.
I love your acknowledgement of our sphere of agency and choice, Adam. Even beyond sobriety, feels like such a needed message these days.
I find there’s usually a simple choice at the heart of things: helpful or not helpful? skillful or unskillful? connecting or disconnecting? There will always be justifications for doing what’s unhelpful, unskillful, and harmful. Or, we can choose what we already know will help us live more beautifully.
Yours is a great point: these kind of simple binary nodes exist in all choices. Helpful or unhelpful, healthy or unhealthy, etc. like a micro checklist that we can weigh our behaviours against. And another profound point—we already know the right answer from experience and innate wisdom. We inherently know what is harmful or helpful, but we sometimes bypass that intuition to pursue a want at the expense of a deeper need. Thank you, Dana.
What it is to be a strong, insightful, SPIRITUAL, intuitive, independent woman.. Knowledge is growth.. To use our own powers to be led here, by our own guides to change all broken hearts, to use all our own tools, to gain in-depth knowledge to show better paths to follow.. For all to see, including me. My shadow led me here, and wouldn't let me leave until ALL hearts were on new paths to follow. Please not a lot, passes by me.
A spiritual guide has always guided me, since a child. To show love for all and in nature too. But still there are always lessons to learn along our own paths.. May God Bless you all 🕊️🙏❤️ always have faith to follow xx
I enjoyed reading that Adam. I have recently just made a move to full independence. I now only have one blocker which takes away any of those ingredients to make the fire so to so to speak. That is my choice. I can see any temptation to revert to old ways is a short sighted part of me that says it will be good now. The overiding part of me looks at the 2 weeks, the 2 months down the line.
Hi James. I’m glad you enjoyed the read. I’m also very happy you’ve moved on into full independence. What a milestone. Big respect, James, and keep me posted.
Love the triangle analogy! I think of relapse as a series of doors, the opportunity will always be there, the urge comes and goes, but permission is the last door and it is locked!!
Oh, Adam… I smiled at your words, all the while reading through. I wish you had posted this a long time ago!
It offers so much clearer thoughts of these difficulties, it has been many months, with many challenges, and we don't always understand, yet wish dearly to know. You have all my support, with all you say.. A much cherished friend, to stay subscribe and to follow.
Have faith in yourself and others to understand.. I wish to send hope for all future thoughts and new paths to follow.. with all my love and care. Always just a friend who stands..side by side Debbie xx
My path and my shadow is now leading me away… perhaps, as yet you don't fully understand, as I do. But I will always cherish my time spent here with all of you ❤️
Offer Love and care, for all, always. As we will all walk side by side, in time this is true. There is a God to follow.. ❤️
I relapsed in October 2018 after 8 years sober. I regained my sobriety in January 2023. I feel like I fucked around and found out. I am maintaining my sobriety with every fiber of my being.
The idea of permission is strong and resonates with me.
This is great, Adam. A friend and I were just talking about imagining versions of ourselves if we were to choose the other option, and how it's quite possibly a hack to avoid making a shitty one. I love how you dove into this here in detail. It feels fitting that I'm seeing it now!
My no is hardwired into me in regards to alcohol now, but there are other temptations that still pop up and I'll definitely be carrying this one with me for those situations when they pop up.
And totally—the added permission step, perhaps viewing it as a node between 2 vastly different realities—is a handy way to question if that thing, whatever it is, is worth it. Thank you, Kaitlyn.
Thanks, Adam. I appreciate this technique and feel I've been using this lately. I've said to myself and others that if I have another drink I will ruin my life, which is not something I want to choose and I know very well that choice is mine alone. I've experimented going to the bar I used to frequent just to play a game of pool cuz I don't want my addiction preventing me from activities I enjoy. I was able to say NO as I stared at the wine box from the pool table however for some reason I think I may be flirting with disaster if I keep testing myself so early in my recovery - 53 days today.
Thank you for reading Rebecca, and congratulations on your recovery time.
I agree it sounds a bit flirtatious at this early stage. Remember you could also strip away that opportunity from your triangle as well, by choosing where you spend time.
I appreciate your comment Rebecca and all the very best.
This was a good read for me. I went to rehab last January for alcohol and while I’ve cut back a bunch I’m still not completely sober. My biggest challenge right now is physical pain and managing my brain without meds.
I’m getting there step by step but it’s a hourly challenge. I’ve tried doing the “non-negotiable” thing and that hasn’t worked for me. I also personally despise AA meetings (I loved that you referenced SMART and I also like dharma recovery groups) and there’s not much wake in my area that’s in person so I take refuge in quit lit and blogs like yours so thank you.
Hi Bekah. Thank you for reading and subscribing. It's an honour to be able to add to your sobriety-promoting toolkit, especially in a non-AA context. Like you, I didn't see much value in AA meetings beyond a sense of belonging they offered---a crucial shift in the 1930s zeitgeist, no doubt. But we've since evolved our knowledge of addiction and mental health, and the world at large. I think SMART is still available online (I've done several in the past) but it might depend on your country/ area/ etc. They have some great theory to consider, even though it's not in person. But yeah there's a wealth of quit lit. With further exploration and practical application, I believe you'll make the shift to sobriety for good. But I understand where you're at. I know it's difficult. It's great to have you on board, Bekah.
Happy New Year Adam, Glad I found you here on Substack. It’s perfect timing as I’m also committing to dry January. I’d love to say I’m committing to Dry Life as well, but you know what they say ~ one day at a time 🙏
Well said, Adam. Funny enough, in a completely different space last night, I told someone the very same thing. I am never giving myself permission to cause this havoc again. As you said, if I did grant permission, all paths disappear but one. And I do not ever want to be on that path again.
It’s funny how things like that happen and I’m glad we’re on the same page!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Nate.
Thanks for sharing this! I find it fascinating in that I approach my sobriety from a completely different lens (the idea of permission has never crossed my mind really), but we've ended up at similar spots. I think for me it's more of a complete loss of appeal, and as every day passes being more and more aware of what I'd potentially lose if I went back to drinking. But hey whatever works! Thanks for sharing your approach in such detail, I especially enjoyed the callout to SMART (I've heard it recommended multiple times now).
Hi Patrick. Yes entirely agree.
I hold sacred what I’ve worked for and what there is to lose. I have zero attraction towards alcohol. I love sobriety.
This permission step goes deeper into if there’s nothing left to lose. Say something catastrophic has happened. When that which you’ve worked for has been taken away, you still have that inner power left within to deny permission to old ways.
I like it. Defense in depth, if you will.
Thanks, Adam. Speaking as someone who had ugly relapses in '17 & '18, I applaud the "no permission" strategy to relapse. I pre-meditated relapse both times even though I didn't realize it until after the fact. The mental obsession and phenomenon of craving can be very tricky in my experience. Also, 5 years sober this time, and I still miss a glass of red wine with a meal on occasion too. The feeling passes fairly quickly these days at least.
Yeah it's alarming how, looking back, we realise that we orchestrated a relapse ourselves. I suppose that now unlocks some key awareness on the matter for future situations. I hear it talked about as a 'pre-lapse' and I'm on board with that, because when such sensations come about, I now have the awareness to think 'wait....I'm in a pre-lapse here' and work to meet the unmet need, or talk to an appropriate person, etc. Five years, that's amazing. And yeah urges come and go, and again it's that meta-cognition to think 'this too shall pass' which takes the power out of it. Thank you for your feedback!
Beautiful share. Love the 'hard no'. I think most of us need at least one of those.
Yeah I think knowing that I grant myself permission or not to do something that seems impulsive has spared me in other ways. Anger, shouting back, pressing send on a message, etc. It also brings attention to sleepwalking into something else.
Thanks, Maggie.
I love the “rock bottom superpower”. Thank you for this share. So powerful.
Hey thank you Kelly. It’s a feature of one of my previous articles “The Power I Found in Losing Everything”.
Thank you for your feedback!
I’ll check it out!
I'd never thought of it in this way before.
Permission is powerful.
I can see some ways I can use it in my life.
Thanks for the insight Adam!
It’s powerful isn’t it? Where else do we run permission on automatic where we could switch it to manual? Something to really ponder about. Thanks for your feedback, Stefano.
I love your acknowledgement of our sphere of agency and choice, Adam. Even beyond sobriety, feels like such a needed message these days.
I find there’s usually a simple choice at the heart of things: helpful or not helpful? skillful or unskillful? connecting or disconnecting? There will always be justifications for doing what’s unhelpful, unskillful, and harmful. Or, we can choose what we already know will help us live more beautifully.
Yours is a great point: these kind of simple binary nodes exist in all choices. Helpful or unhelpful, healthy or unhealthy, etc. like a micro checklist that we can weigh our behaviours against. And another profound point—we already know the right answer from experience and innate wisdom. We inherently know what is harmful or helpful, but we sometimes bypass that intuition to pursue a want at the expense of a deeper need. Thank you, Dana.
You all..encourage a smile.. 😊
What it is to be a strong, insightful, SPIRITUAL, intuitive, independent woman.. Knowledge is growth.. To use our own powers to be led here, by our own guides to change all broken hearts, to use all our own tools, to gain in-depth knowledge to show better paths to follow.. For all to see, including me. My shadow led me here, and wouldn't let me leave until ALL hearts were on new paths to follow. Please not a lot, passes by me.
A spiritual guide has always guided me, since a child. To show love for all and in nature too. But still there are always lessons to learn along our own paths.. May God Bless you all 🕊️🙏❤️ always have faith to follow xx
I enjoyed reading that Adam. I have recently just made a move to full independence. I now only have one blocker which takes away any of those ingredients to make the fire so to so to speak. That is my choice. I can see any temptation to revert to old ways is a short sighted part of me that says it will be good now. The overiding part of me looks at the 2 weeks, the 2 months down the line.
Hi James. I’m glad you enjoyed the read. I’m also very happy you’ve moved on into full independence. What a milestone. Big respect, James, and keep me posted.
Love the triangle analogy! I think of relapse as a series of doors, the opportunity will always be there, the urge comes and goes, but permission is the last door and it is locked!!
Nice way to think about it, Thanks Desi!
Oh, Adam… I smiled at your words, all the while reading through. I wish you had posted this a long time ago!
It offers so much clearer thoughts of these difficulties, it has been many months, with many challenges, and we don't always understand, yet wish dearly to know. You have all my support, with all you say.. A much cherished friend, to stay subscribe and to follow.
Have faith in yourself and others to understand.. I wish to send hope for all future thoughts and new paths to follow.. with all my love and care. Always just a friend who stands..side by side Debbie xx
Wow Debbie, I feel it.
Thank you for reading, and for sharing such uplifting words.
You got this.
We march on.
Much respect, Debbie.
My path and my shadow is now leading me away… perhaps, as yet you don't fully understand, as I do. But I will always cherish my time spent here with all of you ❤️
Offer Love and care, for all, always. As we will all walk side by side, in time this is true. There is a God to follow.. ❤️
'Rock bottom superpower' -- I love this!
Flip it on its head!
Thank you Adam.
I relapsed in October 2018 after 8 years sober. I regained my sobriety in January 2023. I feel like I fucked around and found out. I am maintaining my sobriety with every fiber of my being.
The idea of permission is strong and resonates with me.
Good to hear, April. And glad the permission idea speaks to you. Thank you for reading 🙏
This is great, Adam. A friend and I were just talking about imagining versions of ourselves if we were to choose the other option, and how it's quite possibly a hack to avoid making a shitty one. I love how you dove into this here in detail. It feels fitting that I'm seeing it now!
My no is hardwired into me in regards to alcohol now, but there are other temptations that still pop up and I'll definitely be carrying this one with me for those situations when they pop up.
Love it when that happens.
And totally—the added permission step, perhaps viewing it as a node between 2 vastly different realities—is a handy way to question if that thing, whatever it is, is worth it. Thank you, Kaitlyn.
Thanks, Adam. I appreciate this technique and feel I've been using this lately. I've said to myself and others that if I have another drink I will ruin my life, which is not something I want to choose and I know very well that choice is mine alone. I've experimented going to the bar I used to frequent just to play a game of pool cuz I don't want my addiction preventing me from activities I enjoy. I was able to say NO as I stared at the wine box from the pool table however for some reason I think I may be flirting with disaster if I keep testing myself so early in my recovery - 53 days today.
Thank you for reading Rebecca, and congratulations on your recovery time.
I agree it sounds a bit flirtatious at this early stage. Remember you could also strip away that opportunity from your triangle as well, by choosing where you spend time.
I appreciate your comment Rebecca and all the very best.
This was a good read for me. I went to rehab last January for alcohol and while I’ve cut back a bunch I’m still not completely sober. My biggest challenge right now is physical pain and managing my brain without meds.
I’m getting there step by step but it’s a hourly challenge. I’ve tried doing the “non-negotiable” thing and that hasn’t worked for me. I also personally despise AA meetings (I loved that you referenced SMART and I also like dharma recovery groups) and there’s not much wake in my area that’s in person so I take refuge in quit lit and blogs like yours so thank you.
Hi Bekah. Thank you for reading and subscribing. It's an honour to be able to add to your sobriety-promoting toolkit, especially in a non-AA context. Like you, I didn't see much value in AA meetings beyond a sense of belonging they offered---a crucial shift in the 1930s zeitgeist, no doubt. But we've since evolved our knowledge of addiction and mental health, and the world at large. I think SMART is still available online (I've done several in the past) but it might depend on your country/ area/ etc. They have some great theory to consider, even though it's not in person. But yeah there's a wealth of quit lit. With further exploration and practical application, I believe you'll make the shift to sobriety for good. But I understand where you're at. I know it's difficult. It's great to have you on board, Bekah.
Happy New Year Adam, Glad I found you here on Substack. It’s perfect timing as I’m also committing to dry January. I’d love to say I’m committing to Dry Life as well, but you know what they say ~ one day at a time 🙏