Balancing the Drive to Improve with Inner Peace
How I Reconcile Personal Growth with Self-Acceptance
Today, I am delving into a deeply personal topic—reconciling my desire to improve myself with my attempts to accept myself as I am.
Through sharing my reflections, I hope to strike a chord with anyone navigating similar struggles.
The Importance of Personal Growth
I believe that personal growth, or self-improvement, is an essential antidote to life’s struggles. As Jim Rohn wisely said:
"Don't wish it was easier, wish you were better. Don't wish for fewer problems, wish for more skills. Don't wish for less challenge, wish for more wisdom."
Personal growth involves upgrading our skills, enhancing our knowledge, changing our ways, and shifting our perspectives to more useful or empowering ideas. It’s an investment in ourselves that yields good long-term dividends, particularly for those navigating the post-addiction landscape.
Personally speaking, I find joy in the struggle, a concept that might be linked to what some describe as 'masculine energy.' I push hard now so that I may be better off in the future.
The Journey Towards Self-Acceptance
I've come to realise that I had never truly accepted myself. I’d never even thought about it—it was a foreign concept to me. I’ve been delving deeper into this idea, and I find myself curious. What drives my quest for self-development? Is there a pathology behind my yearning to learn more and to become more? Do I feel compelled to solve my problems alone? Am I fundamentally unhappy with my life or my …self?
To some extent, the brutal answer is yes, but that’s not a bad thing. After overcoming alcohol addiction, I’m still in the early-ish process of rebuilding my life from scratch. I’ve climbed out of the valley of addiction and I’m at the foot of the mountain called Life.
I’m enjoying the struggle. I’ve learnt that I can make conscious choices about how I am, who I associate with, and what I want from life. I find joy in the fundamentals of being that I was blind to for most of my life.
In a silver lining to a giant black cloud, I’ve had a unique opportunity to redefine myself—with the added benefit of becoming self-aware enough not to sleepwalk into something else that’s bad for me.
Just one brief piece of advice: it’s probably better that you make affirmative decisions for yourself now rather than taking the scenic route like I did.
The Toxicity of Overdoing It
I understand that self-development can be toxic when taken to extremes. Everything is. There’s nothing that isn’t poisonous in a high enough dose. And, of course, there’s a cult for just about every pursuit too. I can see why some believe that self-development can become toxic - there’s a risk of implying that something is wrong with you now.
If nothing is without poison, then self-acceptance can be toxic too, especially if misunderstood. I aim to find a balanced approach that honours both personal growth and self-acceptance.
Are These Opposing Concepts?
Understanding Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance involves embracing who you are at this moment, without judgment, acknowledging all your flaws, mistakes, and achievements. You recognise your inherent worth and value without the need to measure up to external standards or to source external validation. It’s an acceptance of all of your attributes, positive or negative.
In person-centred counselling, acceptance of another person in this way is known as unconditional positive regard (UPR), which forms part of a therapeutic environment where clients feel understood and valued.
The way I have come to understand self-acceptance is to apply UPR to myself.
Understanding Personal Growth
Personal growth refers to the ongoing process of understanding and developing yourself to achieve your fullest potential. It involves setting goals, acquiring new skills, solving problems, and continually striving to enhance your life and well-being.
Resolving the Dissonance
The seeming dissonance between self-acceptance and personal growth took some careful consideration. Is there an implication in personal growth that we are not who we should be? How can we accept who we are while striving to become better?
The key lies in understanding what these concepts are not.
Self-Acceptance is Not Complacency or Passivity.
True self-acceptance does not mean settling for less or refusing to improve. It involves recognising your inherent worth and using that foundation to build a fulfilling and meaningful life. Self-acceptance is not about being inactive, indifferent, or letting life pass by. Instead, it means appreciating your efforts and progress, errors and all, taking time to reflect and savour your accomplishments.
Personal Growth is Not Perpetual Dissatisfaction or Ingratitude.
Personal growth does not mean constantly feeling dissatisfied with your current state. Instead, it is about recognising your potential and striving to better yourself because you know it’s possible to improve and you are worth more than your current circumstances.
Personal growth involves understanding that improvements are both possible and necessary, without implying a lack of gratitude for what you already possess.
How I Reconcile the Two
Lessons from Stoicism — Control and Acceptance
Stoicism teaches us to focus on what we can control and accept what we cannot. This philosophy beautifully integrates personal growth and self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is the starting point, but not the endpoint. It involves acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses, and from this place of understanding, making conscious choices about your actions and reactions.
By accepting the realities beyond our control, we can maintain inner peace, while our efforts are directed towards what we can influence. This approach helps us to navigate life's challenges with grace and determination, ensuring that we remain grounded and proactive in our personal development.
Lessons From Spirituality — Masculine and Feminine Energies
I’m not typically a spiritual person, but I find value in exploring diverse perspectives to enhance my understanding of complex concepts. I’ve been led to a metaphor from spirituality that resonates deeply with me: the balance of masculine and feminine energies. Maybe the following isn’t the correct textbook interpretation, but how I think about it makes sense.
To me, personal growth is like having an internalised ever-loving father who plays rough-and-tumble, safely exposing you to risks, teaching you skills, and instilling confidence that you can handle yourself. The father represents the drive to improve and grow, to protect and provide for yourself and others.
Self-acceptance is akin to having an internalised ever-loving mother, reassuring you that you are whole and complete just as you are. She’ll always love you even if you committed the most atrocious crime. She loves you unconditionally, with unwavering support and compassion.
Making Sense of My Journey
It may now make sense why I have to work on self-acceptance when I share that I had a chaotic relationship with my mother throughout my life.
However, I’ve realised that I can develop these nurturing qualities within myself.
Here’s my reconciliation:
Learning to accept myself is part of my personal growth.
Self-acceptance is about loving who you are, while personal growth is about developing how you are.
Both are essential and can coexist harmoniously. Each enriches the other.
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Hello, Adam!
I am very interested in your text. I am sure we cannot influence anything we do not first accept.
I find your question interesting: How do we accept who we are while trying to become better?
The question makes sense, and my attitude is as follows: The fact that we know ourselves enough and accept that we are the way we are now gives us the right and the opportunity to activate all our potential to be better for ourselves and our environment.
I love your work and the questions you raise! Thank you!
I think you are absolutely right - self acceptance and personal growth can be happy bedfellows. Acceptance involves seeing things as they are, not how we wish them to be. And this includes ourselves, in all our wonderful complexity. Acceptance is the bedrock for true growth because it allows us to see where we need to put our efforts. Great post.